After the International Contortion Convention ended, I had planned to take a few days off and relax from the quite intense past months training for my act. Such a classic… I plan something and end up doing the opposite.
Last week I trained 7 days straight about 2-3 hrs a day (and I’m not talking about walking on a treadmill). I was on such a high after the Convention, I wanted to step up my game and train harder, longer and better. I worked on conditioning, strength, balance, flexibility like it was the last week of my life lol. But today it hit me, I was hella tired. I know how much my body can take with training now and I denied that knowledge by pushing, neglecting my injuries, doing more and more. I wish my problem was being lazy… But it’s not, I just know how much is too much for me. I have to train keeping this in mind and this past week I didn’t.
I binged. Yes I liked it. But today I was aching everywhere and my game wasn’t there. I was fighting with myself and getting frustrated. So I got in my car from training, and as I usually do, I didn’t play music but listened to my thoughts. They were agitated, confused. I wanted “this and that and doing more of that and the things I wrote on the note and review that trick and try another variation of that” and nothing made sense. I hate senselessness. It makes me sad. So I tried to take my thoughts off this topic for the rest of the afternoon because I was having a tunnel vision and all I could think was my training. I sometimes still fall into retrograde patterns, I repeat mistakes because my mind goes into a weird loop: imagine you’re on a train and the train forget to switch platforms and then you find yourself where you didn’t want to be.
My training is partly why I like to live, and so it can get overwhelming when I don’t get my mindset “right”about it. I always believed there are two parts of me, one very strict, insatiable and dark, one more joyful, fun and light. I need both of them, but in harmony. When one override the other, I feel chaos.
So I tried to manage all the new motivation and inspiration I got from ICC, but today it took a negative route and as I said I was tired and frustrated, not feeling good enough etc. I don’t want to blame it on being older but fuck I’m not getting any younger and let me tell you it BLOWS. But there is no escape to aging so I just have to deal with it the best way possible. I still have many things to learn in contortion and I want to enjoy this never ending process of self discovery, which with its ups and downs keeps me happy. I just need to remind myself constantly I’m not a machine, I already have few small injuries that I don’t want to get worse and more than anything I have to remind myself why the hell I chose to do this: because I loved to feel in charge of moving my body the way I wanted it to, to be focusing on what my body could do instead of just looks and diets, to love the process and focus on my own uniqueness, because I am who I am and nobody can be me, nor I can be them.
I need a good night sleep 🙂