Cloudy mind with no chance of sunshine

I had one of those days ugh… Where I can’t control my mindset. I go into waves of boredom, anxiety, depression and then somehow a slight relief, and then it repeats. I find this happening very rarely now, mostly when I have a day off work AND training. I mean I try to have always busy days, but sometimes an empty one just happens. I get mad because I cant shake it off, I think of all the things that would make me feel better but when training is out of the equation, I struggle. Consequently, I don’t want to be around people because I’m too down to lift myself to be social. Definitely under my regular healthy life there is tiny sheet of depression and sometimes it creeps in. Now I don’t think I need to share this with the people who follows me… But this is like my online diary and writing brings me relief. I know tomorrow is gonna be better but why did I waste today? I won’t have today back and it sucks. I hate how we get carried away by our phones and computers now and we waste so much time, at least writing is productive and maybe will help someone who has too this kind of days happening. I think my main problem (which I had for most of my life, sometimes at the highest intensity and other times very lightly) is that I focus almost all my happiness and thoughts into one thing (training). Since I can remember I lived this way, prioritizing movement and being active, and I don’t know how to live differently. I do other things but they’re just “side dishes”. I’ve improved lots since I started teaching- at least I could channel my passion to others and not only myself, I like teaching because I project myself and my love for training into other bodies, needy of it. It’s satisfying and gives me other stimuli. Also, I like the gigs here in Vegas because first of all are fun and I get to be around new people all the times wearing the most absurd and edgy costumes, then I get to perform my skills,  it’s exciting. So I’d say so far my life has been active, satisfactory and exciting, of course not like in the movies, but diluted in months, years. I just have still a hard time with this totally off days and need to find things I enjoy doing that takes my mind away from meaningless saddness. So I’m going to start hiking on those days and planning future trips so I have things to organize and look forward to. For example, I’m going to Mongolia this summer finally!! So I can work on preparing for that trip and gather all the informations I need to have the best time while there. I just have to keep positive and don’t let my mind wandering in the wrong “thoughts department”. Well I feel better now that this all blab is out of me! Tomorrow is another day…

4 responses to “Cloudy mind with no chance of sunshine

  1. You have always been an inspiration for me Sofia! And seeing something like this makes me like you even more coz it makes you look more “human” (instead of a super girl who excels in everything :P) Enjoy your off day! It’s part of our beautiful lives 🙂

  2. I can relate so much to all of this Sofia. And I really love your openness. Thanks for always sharing so honestly. You’ve accomplished so much in your focus and discipline that it’s seriously awe inspiring. The need for balance only makes sense! I also go through similar extremes and think that finding a new outlet every now and then is critical. In your case hiking. What an incredible way to literally get outside yourself!! Not to mention you live in one of the most sublime landscapes in the world. We are bodies in space. You’ve explored your body thoroughly, now you will be exploring new space. I wish I could join you!

    • Omg Lisa! I woke up this morning and reading your comment made me feel so good… thank you! I feel you explained the whole thing perfectly, the exploring new spaces… I couldn’t have said it better. I so wish you were here and we’d go explore together and talk for hours…!

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