The dark side

Few years ago, I started to identify my personality (the “who I am” kinda thing) and observe my behavior in relation to life’s events, people , goals etc. I figure I had a strong part of my persona devoted to discipline, commitment, desire to succeed, be the best I could be physically, mentally, in few words: my own version of perfection. I wanted to be into hardcore training, serious fitness, have an extremely lean shape, feel empowered and in control. I thought either I have it all or I was gonna be delusional to myself. During the last years I pushed my body hard, period of strict dieting and weight loss, period of freaky cardio, or weight lifting, other times in a more “living a little” mode, being more social, less strict on my diet for the sake and need of not neglecting  other important aspects of life. Let’s face it, when you constantly dieting and training you are not the nicest person around. Everything is a “mission”, cardio, cooking, training , sleeping, can’t let “distractions” get to you. But that state means sacrificing A LOT. Means I have no energy for anything else but training, sometimes not even for that. Means I have no interest in being social or do something outside my routine. Its living a very delicate balance of strict rules, and once you break one you feel everything is trashed. Can’t miss a cardio session, can’t make a diet mistake. If you do, you fail. You are a failure to yourself. So after long time of thinking either black or white, I decided iit was time to realistically look at my life and if that was the right way to spend every day of it. I said YES, because training and eating clean made me who I am, BUT from my 26 years old I wanted MORE than being a well trained machine, a sculpted body. I wanted to travel, meet people, have a broader view of options for my future and career. Because I know in the future I might regret it. And those things dont come knocking at your door, not even at the gym’s one lol. So now I’m working on keeping my “dark side” under control, not feeling miserable if I’m not doing 6 cardio a week but 4-5, or if I’m traveling and training won’t be perfect, or if for a night or two I won’t be sleeping, because I will gain sometihing else: memories, life’experiences, interesting conversations and meetings, friendship. And I will still be my personal best, just more “complete”.

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